the_deep_magic | Dec. 5th, 2009

So I thought that, since it is my birthday and I am forced to focus on my advancing age, it might be a good opportunity to impart unto you some of the wisdom I’ve garnered over the years, so that you might avoid some of the more common pitfalls in life.

· When shopping for produce to freeze with liquid nitrogen and drop off a four-story parking structure, tomatoes and kiwis are your best bet. Watermelons sound like a good idea, but they take a huge amount of time to prep and the results are not appreciably different from a room-temperature melon.

· No matter how much you want that burrito, it is not worth driving through hurricane-force winds and rain to get. You’re not impressing anyone.

· DO NOT share living space with extended family members unless it is an absolute financial necessity (as in it’s that or a cardboard box under a highway overpass). People tried to warn me when I moved in with my cousin, but I thought “eh, how bad can it be?” Worst year of my life. She still shoots me the skunk eye at family gatherings.

· When transporting large amounts of dry ice in your car, make sure to roll the windows down or you will smother.

· Anyone who routinely starts sentences with “I’m not a racist, but…” is a racist.

· I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but no one gives a shit about your awesome new phone except you. It’s okay – just take a few deep breaths and accept it.

· If you’re ever in Japan, DO eat okonomiyaki, sushi (duh), donburi, those pork bun thingies whose name I always forget, gyoza, takoyaki, all the candy you can find, and (if you just really need something familiar) Mos Burger. DO NOT eat natto. You shouldn’t have any trouble recognizing it – if someone offers you a bowl of snot that smells like rotting garbage, politely decline.

· While I’m on the subject of Japan, if you ever go to the neighborhood sento (public bath), take at least one native Japanese speaker with you. Otherwise your life will quickly turn into a particularly wacky episode of I Love Lucy, only with 100% more nudity.

· Shower off immediately after Jello wrestling, especially if the Jello is red. That shit stains like you wouldn’t believe.

No, there's no need to thank me. Just keep rockin' the Casbah.