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the_deep_magicTitle: Training Wheels (5/5)
Author: ![[info]](https://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
the_deep_magic
Pairing: Pinto
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 7,420
Warnings: AU, extra angst, h/c, rimming
Disclaimer: nothing pertaining to Chris or Zach is true, but the therapy described is real
Summary: surrogate (n): one appointed to act in place of another; a substitute
A/N: Finally, here it is! And remember, just so there's no unnecessary woe, there's an epilogue that I'll be posting shortly.
Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four
The next session, as soon as they were naked, Zach took Chris by the shoulders and said, “Teach me.”
Chris had cautioned him with numerous disclaimers: that there was no magic formula to being good in bed, that what worked for one guy might not work for another, that what was important was that Zach learn to communicate with his partner, remain open to his partner’s desires. But as soon as he was sure Zach understood that, he hadn’t minced any words, telling Zach exactly what felt good, and how much of it, and for how long.
“That’s objective number four,” he had said with what sounded like greater-than-usual enthusiasm. “You wanted to feel more confident in your experience, so more experience is what you need.”
Zach wasn’t doing all the work, either – Chris remained insistent that Zach practice receiving pleasure as well as giving it, and pretty soon Zach got the blushing and the squirming down to manageable levels from sheer desensitization. And Chris always rewarded him elaborately for speaking his desires aloud. When Zach confessed that he’d always been curious about rimming, he had only a second to glimpse Chris’ puckish grin before Chris was flipping Zach over, kissing and biting down the groove of Zach’s spine. The zeal with which Chris held him open and licked into him had Zach moaning within seconds, humping hard into the bed. Though in that instance he came after an embarrassingly short time, overall his stamina was improving. As mind-wipingly good as that first time had been, Zach could see it getting even better, could feel how he was learning to gain control of his body’s responses.
The only thing that wasn’t a rousing success was Chris’ attempt to teach Zach how to talk dirty. Zach just couldn’t keep the slight quaver out of his voice when he offered to bend Chris in half and fuck him stupid, and despite Chris’ best efforts to keep a straight face, they both ended up giggling so hard that Chris started crying and Zach got a cramp and they collapsed in a naked, twitching heap on the bed without ever getting past second base.
“You’re so polite!” Chris gasped through a painful-sounding hiccup. “I feel like I’d need to write you a thank-you note afterward.”
“I can’t help it,” Zach groaned. “My mom was big on manners and made us put a quarter in the Swear Jar if we said anything even remotely objectionable. Even if I called Joe an idiot, and ‘idiot’ is not, nor has it ever been, a swear.”
“Hey, it’s fine. If it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing – there’s no need to force it. Though you may find you develop a knack for it along the way.”
“So what is my thing?” Zach asked, uncurling, the muscles in his sides slowly starting to loosen up.
“You’ve got lots of things. I can tell you like working me over with your hands. You’re damn good with them, too.”
“I… yeah?”
“Mmm,” Chris hummed contentedly, bringing Zach’s hand to his mouth and kissing his fingers one at a time. “Gorgeous long fingers, very strong, too. You’re going to make some knees buckle with these hands.”
“Yours?”
Chris laughed. “Zach, you’ve already made just about everything on me buckle.”
The three weeks that it lasted felt like absolute heaven to Zach. The field trips stopped, but truly Zach didn’t want Chris anywhere but his bedroom (and once or twice on the couch). Zach felt better and happier than he had in years. God, just the way Chris looked at him was enough to make his blood heat. And when Chris was naked on top of him, skin gleaming with sweat as he rocked up and down on Zach’s cock, digging his fingers into Zach’s shoulders as he told Zach how amazing he was – Zach was starting to accept it.
Which made it even worse when Zach considered that all of this had a quickly-approaching expiration date. He went back and forth between fretting over it and trying to push it as far from his mind as possible before he absolutely had to confront it. He picked up the phone to call his brother, but when Joe asked how the therapy was going, all Zach could say was “fine.” As generally supportive as Joe was, he hadn’t really understood Zach’s decision to work with a sex surrogate, and so he hardly made the best confidant.
As it was, Zach ended up discussing everything in great detail with Noah, who always listened patiently as long as Zach kept petting him and the neighbor’s female schnauzer didn’t come too close to the front door. Even Harold commiserated, displaying more affection than usual and curling around Zach’s ankles as he sat.
But all this pondering was all forgotten the moment Chris walked in the door – Zach just wanted to focus on the time they had together, and he was surprised at how easily he was able to put everything else out of his mind. Either his anxieties were lessening or he was becoming much more adept at denial.
And then there was no room at all to think, because Chris was moaning beneath him as Zach pounded into him from behind. Chris had been encouraging him to try different positions, and though it felt good – he could thrust in so deep, hands full of that flawlessly round butt as he did – he missed seeing Chris’ face, watching his eyes lose focus as Zach found just the right angle, the right tempo to push him over the edge.
That he only had a limited amount of time in which to see that particular sight made his rhythm falter, his hips slowing to a halt. “Zach?” Chris said, craning his head to look at Zach over his shoulder.
“Turn over?” Zach asked, shivering a little as he withdrew from Chris’ body.
“Yeah.” Chris rolled over as Zach grabbed a pillow to put under his hips. Chris pulled his knees to his chest, setting his feet against Zach’s shoulders as Zach pushed into him again. As insistent as Chris had been on words in the beginning, they felt less necessary now, and Zach was content just to rock into Chris slowly and rub dotingly over his shins and thighs.
No matter how long they went, even if Chris started to squirm with more than need and Zach’s muscles began to tire, it never felt long enough. Chris kept telling Zach that he didn’t need to prove himself, that endurance wasn’t the only hallmark of a good lover, but it was mostly Zach being selfish, trying to stay in that sweet, wordless place beyond thought where no one but he and Chris existed.
So when he had fucked Chris through his orgasm, trying to memorize the way Chris’ head tipped back and body strained upwards as he shot over his own stomach, and then come inside Chris’ deeply relaxed body, Zach put off withdrawing as long as he could.
Eventually, though, they ended up lying next to each other, tangled in the sheets and enjoying the afterglow. “You like face-to-face better?” Chris asked, picking up Zach’s hand and setting it on his chest.
“Yeah,” Zach said, breath catching at the feeling of Chris’ heart still racing under his fingertips.
“Me too. Well, most of the time.” Chris rolled up on his side to face Zach. “You feel up to talking?”
“About what?” Zach asked, his eyes still fixed on the ceiling, even though he could hazard a good guess.
“About your objectives. Where we stand on that. And how close we are to… well, to bringing the therapy to a close.”
“Oh.”
“Not a particularly happy subject, I know. But the good news is how much progress you’ve made.” Chris set a warm hand on Zach’s shoulder, and Zach finally turned to look at him. “Think back to where you were five months ago. Could you even have imagined doing what we did today?”
Zach laughed drily. “God, no, I’d have hyperventilated at the thought.”
Chris’ resulting smile was practically blinding. “Zach, you’re amazing. I know some of this has been really hard for you, but every time I’ve challenged you, you’ve risen to it – uh, no pun intended. Be proud of yourself.”
Zach felt a sudden lump take up residence in his throat and he looked away. “It’s just sex.”
Chris chuckled nuzzled against Zach’s shoulder. “I don’t believe that for a second, and neither do you. Shall we go back over our objectives? One.”
“Be more comfortable around strangers.”
“Well, okay, you haven’t had a lot of practice with actual strangers, but you’ve learned some strategies for small talk, right?” Zach nodded. “Alright, and you wanted to be more comfortable with physical touch, I think. Was that the next one? I remember them, just not in order.”
“That was one of them, yeah.”
Rubbing a hand over Zach’s side, Chris said, “I think we’ve got that one pretty well covered. What’s next?”
“Getting more experience, becoming more confident.”
“Well, we’ve definitely put some more miles on this bed,” Chris said with a laugh. “Where’s your confidence level?”
“Pretty good,” Zach admitted. “Actually, I think I’m more comfortable with that than the flirting.”
Chris laid a teasing kiss on his lips. “I’d say you excel at both. Now, as far as talking about sex—”
“I’m still not great at that,” Zach sighed.
“That’ll come with time. You’ve gotten a lot better, though. Once upon a time, you couldn’t even say ‘nutsack.’”
“It was ‘ballsack.’”
“Aha!” Chris exclaimed, jabbing a finger gently at Zach’s chest. “You didn’t even hesitate.”
“Truly, you have healed me with your sex voodoo,” Zach deadpanned. Or he tried to, but his lips kept twitching up at the corner.
“Speaking of that, I seem to remember something about wanting to know what the big deal about sex was. Have you—”
“Oh my god, yes,” Zach groaned, burying his face against the pillow. “These past few weeks have been… I don’t even know how to describe them. Maybe I should be mad at you, because now I know what I’ve been missing out on.”
“All in the past,” Chris said, and when Zach looked up, Chris’ eyes were full of warmth. “Now you know what to look forward to. People respond to confidence, Zach, especially the quiet kind of strength you’ve got. Hold your head up, look people in the eye and smile and I guarantee you’ll have your pick of the right kind of men.”
“And what kind is that?”
“Whatever kind you want,” Chris said with a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows. “Was that all? I thought there was one more.”
“Yeah, um.” Zach swallowed. “I wanted to be able to start a romantic relationship.”
“Hmm, that’s one you’ll have to answer for me.”
God, Zach thought, struck as always by the kindness in those beautiful blue eyes, if it was with you, of course. But he said, “I… I don’t know. I mean, I’m better prepared, sure, but when it comes right down to it…” He trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.
Chris tugged him closer, scooting forward on the bed to meet him halfway. “What can I do to help you with that one?”
Zach’s eyes slammed shut, unable to handle the openness of Chris’ expression. “I don’t know if there’s anything you can do. I guess I’ll know when the time comes, won’t I?”
“Yeah, you will,” Chris said gently, cupping Zach’s chin in his hand. “I think when you find someone who’s right for you, it will just click. It may not be easy at first, but I think you’ll know when it’s worth it.”
Zach bit his lip hard, but Chris ducked his head to kiss him, slowly coaxing Zach’s swollen bottom lip out from between his teeth. When Chris pulled away, Zach blurted out “Is this over? Us? Our therapy?” even though he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answer.
“Are you ready to say goodbye today?”
If that was the determining factor, they’d never part. “No.”
“Me neither,” Chris said, and Zach felt his heart come unmoored in his chest and float up, outside of his body and toward the ceiling. Until, of course, Chris continued, “But I think we’re drawing to a natural close here soon. Is there anything else you want? Anything special for our last time?”
There was. Zach had been giving it a lot of thought, had gone back and forth over whether or not to bring it up. Things had been going so well between them, no major snags at all since that one time, and Zach didn’t want to push his luck. But here Chris had come right out and asked. “I actually… I haven’t bottomed for anyone since Travis, and even then, it was… Well, I just thought maybe I’d like it if, uh, if you would fuck me.”
“Zach,” Chris murmured, and for a second Zach was afraid he was going to launch into his usual Are you sure? You don’t have to, and then Zach might get nervous and back out. But Chris just smiled, took Zach’s face between his hands and said, “Of course. If that’s what you want, it’s yours. To be honest, I want it, too.”
Zach’s heart soared.
&&&
“Zach, what’s the matter?”
“It’s Chris. Not, it’s not Chris. It’s me.”
Dr. Patel immediately sat forward in his chair. “What’s wrong?”
“God, I’m so ashamed of myself. I can’t even say it out loud.”
“Zach, if something’s happened, if he’s made you feel uncomfortable—”
“No!” Zach said quickly. “Nothing like that. The opposite, really.” The doctor was obviously waiting for him to continue, so he took a deep breath. “We did it. We… I… penetrated him. We had sex. Quite a lot of sex, actually. And… I think I’m in love with him.”
Zach squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the tongue-clucking reproach, the “I can’t believe you,” the “How stupid could you possibly be?”
But it never came. Instead, he heard, “Have you told Chris yet?”
“Have I… yet?” Zach looked up, startled. “No, of course not!”
“Why do you say ‘of course not’?”
“Because I’m not supposed to love him! I’m supposed to work with him and respect him and then shake his hand when this is all over and we go our separate ways. This is a bad thing,” Zach said, but Dr. Patel didn’t looked concerned. At all. “Right?”
The doctor cleared his throat and spoke carefully. “It’s not a good or a bad thing, not on its own. It’s just how you feel. What you do with it will determine whether it’s positive or negative.”
“But I’m not supposed to fall in love with him,” Zach insisted feebly.
With a gentle smile, Dr. Patel asked, “Says who?”
“I don’t know. Isn’t there a psychologist’s handbook somewhere?”
“Yes. But Chris isn’t your psychologist. He’s a therapist, of course, but obviously the normal rules don’t quite apply. Now, if you came to me and said you didn’t care about any rules, that you and Chris were destined to be together and he was the only one for you, I’d start to worry. But you’re smart, Zach. You’re sensitive to these things. Just the fact that you’re embarrassed about it tells me that you know where the boundaries are.”
Zach didn’t feel relieved, exactly, but he no longer wanted to tunnel through the floor of the office to escape. “He’s the first thing in a long time that’s made me feel like a real person.”
“No wonder you love him.”
“So… what should I do?”
“Well, you may not like this,” Dr. Patel warned, “but I think you should tell him.”
Zach gaped. “What possible good would that do?”
“You’ve been talking to him about your feelings this whole time, right? No reason to stop now.”
The feelings of shame crept back in, and Zach squirmed at the thought. It had been hard enough to admit it to Dr. Patel. “I don’t know if I can.”
“What do you think will happen?”
“He’ll laugh.”
“Zach, you’ve been working with him for months now. Has he ever laughed at you when you’ve told him something important?”
Chris’ smile, his sweet, infectious chuckle sprang immediately to Zach’s mind, but it was only associated with good memories – attempts at flirting, gentle teasing, delighted gasps of pleasure. “No.”
“Then why do you think he’ll laugh now?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, you don’t have to tell him. But I think you should. I think it will actually make the aftermath easier.”
“How do I even bring it up? Do I just blurt it out?”
Dr. Patel just smiled compassionately. “I think you’ll know. If the time is right, you’ll know.”
&&&
“So, um, this shouldn’t be a big deal, right?”
“In a perfect world, no,” Chris said, looking up from his seat on the floor where he was vigorously scratching the tummy of an incredibly blissed-out Noah. “But there’s no ‘should’ about it. Does it feel like a big deal?”
“Kind of, yeah,” Zach admitted. Chris was spending longer with Noah than he had in weeks, probably because – Zach could barely think it – it was the last chance Chris would have to pet him.
“I get that. There’s a lot of physical and emotional vulnerability at play. But if you still want to bottom, I definitely think you can handle it.”
“I do want it,” Zach said, shoring himself up. “It feels like a good way to end.”
Chris nodded, pushing up from the floor. “But as always, you’re under no obligation to do any particular thing. If you get uncomfortable, if you want to stop, just say the word.”
Noah whined at the loss, but Zach shushed him with a rawhide strip that would keep him busy for a while. Chris had already gone back to the bedroom, and when Zach came in, Chris was tugging off his shirt. Instead of helping, Zach leaned against the doorframe and spent a minute just watching, amazed at how comfortable Chris was in his bedroom, how natural he looked there.
Soon, though, Chris caught him staring. “What?”
“Nothing.” Zach waved it off, starting to remove his own clothes.
Chris was waiting for him on the bed, naked and with lube and condom in hand, when he was finished. “I know we haven’t done much anal play with you. We don’t have to jump right into anything, if you don’t want to.”
“I’ve, um,” Zach stuttered, trying to will the flush from his cheeks. “Lately when I masturbate, I… you know. Sometimes.”
“You what?” Chris prompted with a gentle smile.
“I finger myself.”
“How many fingers?”
“One or two. Just the tips, though. I don’t really, like… thrust.”
“Does it feel good?”
“Yeah. Though not as good as when you touch me. Not even close.”
Maybe it was Zach’s imagination, but Chris seemed to blush a little at that. “Tell you what, why don’t you lay on your stomach? I’ll rim you for a little while, help you relax.”
It sounded like heaven, but Zach had never been able to last for more than a few minutes with Chris’ mouth on him. “I— I’ll come.”
“Even better,” Chris said with a wink. “We’ve got all afternoon. And you’re bound to be less tense afterward.” He leaned forward to kiss Zach lightly, purposefully teasing his lips with soft pecks and gentle swipes of his tongue.
He guided Zach to lay on his front, a pillow under his head and another under his hips. Chris rubbed a firm hand up his back, willing the muscles to loosen. Zach sighed and settled into the bed, closing his eyes to focus on the sensation of Chris’ mouth working its way down over his tailbone. He spread his legs a little more as Chris’ lips got closer to his hole, but instead of starting right in, Chris blew a soft puff of air over the sensitive skin and Zach gasped with anticipation. He felt utterly wanton like this, though Chris had never once treated it as something dirty or forbidden. It was just another way for Chris to make Zach feel good, and like everything else, Chris did it with gusto.
Zach was panting and arching back before Chris’ tongue even dipped inside him, torn between the squirming heat of Chris’ mouth and the friction of the pillow against his cock. When Chris finally licked him, hard and long and wet, Zach wailed into the bedding, holding his hips still to let Chris do what he wanted. He used his thumbs to hold Zach open wide, wider than Zach had ever felt before, and stabbed in deep with his tongue, thrusting it against the clench of Zach’s pucker.
When Chris reached down to roll Zach’s balls against the palm of his hand, Zach knew he was done for. Chris felt it, too, and pressed Zach’s hips down hard as he rubbed the flat of his tongue over Zach’s hole until Zach was keening, hips grinding down into the bed as he came.
Zach was still rocking gently into the pillow when Chris pulled away. Chris chuckled at the sight and smoothed warm palms up and down the length of Zach’s back. “If I’m not mistaken, I think you enjoyed that.”
“A little,” Zach groaned, slowly rolling over so he could grab the soiled pillow and toss it away. “How do you even do that twisty-stabby thing with your tongue? And for so long? Do you have some kind of oral exercise regimen?”
“Just practice,” Chris said with a smile, obviously pleased at the praise.
Zach reached out to pull Chris down to the bed beside him. “Did you want to start…?” He gestured vaguely down his body, but Chris shook his head.
“No, we’ll wait ‘til you’re ready again,” Chris said, settling in. “What do you want to do until then?”
“Can we just touch? Like we did before? I’ve kind of missed that.”
“Absolutely,” Chris replied, reaching up to stroke a thumb over Zach’s cheek. “It’s been a long time since I paid attention to your gorgeous face – got so distracted by your body.”
Zach smiled, closing his eyes and pressing back against Chris’ touch. “I didn’t mind.”
Chris nudged gently at Zach’s shoulder until he shifted onto his back and let the tension flow from his body as Chris’ fingers took up their familiar route over Zach’s face. This time, Zach kept his eyes open. Chris spent a little more time tracing Zach’s lips, the curve of his ears, then dug fully into Zach’s hair and massaged his scalp. It was a firmer, more focused touch than Chris had used before, less exploratory and more arousing, and Zach felt his body begin to respond, even if his cock wasn’t quite ready.
“Your hands,” Zach whispered at length. “Let me touch your hands.” He gently removed Chris’ hands from his hair and held them to his lips, kissing over the knuckles and fingertips. Chris’ eyes lowered to half mast as Zach caressed each of his hands in turn. Despite the relaxed mood in the room, Zach touched and kissed Chris’ hands with more urgency than he’d felt in all the times that they’d done this before. The things these hands had done to him, made him feel…
When Zach released him, Chris lay down beside Zach, pressed along the length of his body, and kissed him hungrily, with deep, strong sweeps of his tongue. For a few long moments, Zach lay back and just let himself be kissed, relishing the sensuousness of Chris’ lips against his. Chris never, ever failed to make him feel desired, and the passion of the kiss was rousing Zach’s cock once more.
Chris must have felt it, because he grinned against Zach’s lips and whispered, “You ready to get started?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Zach sighed, and Chris kissed him again, softly and sweetly.
The only drawback was that Chris had to pull away to get the lube. Zach spread his legs for Chris to sit between them and gently palmed his own cock, enjoying the slow build of arousal this time around. When he found what he needed, Chris turned his attention to Zach, lifting Zach’s legs to bend at the knees until his feet were flat on the bed. As Chris wet his fingers with lube, he said, “Talk to me. If you want me to speed up, slow down, whatever, just tell me. I want to know what feels good for you.”
Zach nodded. “I’m ready.”
“Good. Just one finger to start.” Zach felt Chris circling the tip of his index finger around his anus. It was a more focused sensation than Chris’ tongue, a little rougher, but it didn’t alarm Zach when Chris started to push inside. Zach did feel more open after an orgasm, and his body accepted Chris’ finger with relative ease.
Once inside, Chris stilled his hand. “I’m just going to let you get used to this for a minute. How does it feel?”
“Odd,” Zach said, trying his best not to squirm under Chris’ attentive gaze. “It’s been a long time.”
“I know,” said Chris, reaching up with his other hand to press Zach’s cock against his belly, stroking upwards with a slow, firm motion that made Zach groan and swell under Chris’ hand. “I don’t know if I should tell you, but… I’m really excited you wanted to do this. Not just for you, I mean. For me, too. You get to me, Zach. I don’t know what it is, but you get to me.”
Chris was looking carefully at his hands as he spoke, not meeting Zach’s eyes, and Zach felt a deep ache bloom in his chest. Chris continued, “That you would want this from me, trust me enough for this. I appreciate that it’s not easy for you.”
Zach felt the strange urge to reach out and comfort Chris. “It’s getting easier all the time, thanks to you. I—” The words were right there on his lips, Dr. Patel’s advice still fresh in his mind, but Zach couldn’t say them. Instead, he said, “I’m ready for more.”
Chris shook his head as if to clear it. “Yeah. Yeah, of course. Here.” He withdrew his finger and pressed two to Zach’s entrance, wiggling them gently until they were in to the first knuckle.
“I’m not going to break, Chris,” Zach said with a wry smile, and Chris’ face lit up.
He stuck his tongue out at Zach. “All the same, I’d rather not drop you on the tile floor. If I’m going too slowly for you—”
“You’re going too slowly,” Zach interrupted. “C’mon, give it to me.”
Chris groaned. “Dammit, Zach, go easy on me! I’m not actually a saint, you know.” But he pressed his fingers the rest of the way in, twisting his wrist a little as he did and hitting new spots inside Zach’s tight channel.
As usual, it quickened Zach’s heart to hear how much Chris wanted him, and he made a conscious effort to relax, to open himself to Chris. Soon, Chris began to move his hand, thrusting gently and spreading his fingers. Zach fought the urge to clench – whether to keep Chris out or in, he couldn’t tell.
He felt Chris’ fingers searching inside him and readied himself, but he still wasn’t quite prepared for the burst of sensation when Chris stroked over his prostate. It made Zach’s breath stutter, his muscles tighten, his cock throb. He didn’t want to wait anymore. “Chris, I’m ready.”
“One more finger,” Chris insisted, sounding breathless and Zach didn’t argue, just accepted it as Chris pushed three fingers into him. The stretch was starting to burn now, but it only added to the satisfying feeling of fullness. “How do you want to do this?”
“I—I don’t know.” It was hard to think with Chris’ fingers buried in him.
“You’ll have more control if you’re on top.”
“Yeah, that. On top.” Straddling Chris’ hips and riding him? Yeah, Zach could do that.
“Gonna take my fingers out now.”
When Chris did, Zach was shocked at the emptiness he felt. He hadn’t remembered that. But he didn’t have time to think about it, since Chris was rolling onto his back and putting the condom on. He looked almost painfully hard, and Zach was, as always, astonished by Chris’ patience. Zach opened his mouth to tell him, but he couldn’t quite find the words. Instead, he bent over Chris to kiss him, deeply but quickly so as not to keep him waiting any longer.
Chris gripped the base of his cock and held it steady as Zach kneeled over him. “Push down and think wide open thoughts,” he said with a smile that Zach could tell was slightly strained with suppressed need. The tip of his dick pressed against Zach’s entrance and Zach pushed out as he began to sink down. His heart sped up at the sensation, his thighs already starting to tremble and he planted his hands on the bed below Chris’ armpits for balance. Chris reached up to stroke his arms, murmuring soft reassurances but keeping his hips on the bed and letting Zach take him in at his own pace. “Talk to me, Zach.”
“It’s… odd,” Zach said. He wanted Chris to know he was okay, but he didn’t quite have the capacity for more than one syllable at a time. “Big.”
Chris smiled. “Obvious flattery, but, ah, I appreciate it.”
“Feels big.” Zach could tell he sounded about as articulate as a caveman, but Chris was nearly all the way in, and Zach could feel the brush of thick, wiry hair against his ass. His breath came out in a solid whoosh when his hips finally settled against Chris’.
“Take your time,” Chris said, his voice thick and his hands clenched around Zach’s biceps. He had to be nearly desperate to thrust, but he just shut his eyes and took a few deep breaths and Zach watched with utter amazement. He knew Chris would give him all the time he needed, and he felt a sudden surge of love that made his breath catch in this throat.
The stretch was painful, but not badly so and it didn’t take away from the moment. It was mostly just intense, the feeling of having another person inside him. Chris’ abs stood out in sharp relief against his skin, and Zach couldn’t stand to make him wait. He pushed up on his knees, the slight withdrawal of Chris’ cock causing Zach to wince a little, then rocked back down. Chris let out a quiet little moan and Zach felt suddenly willing to do anything he could to get Chris to make that sound again.
Soon, Zach was able to get into a rhythm – slow and a little shaky at first, but with growing confidence. Chris started to curl his hips up, meeting Zach in the middle as they thrust against each other. “Good?” Chris asked, his eyes wide and intent on Zach’s face.
Zach nodded, too focused on his movements to speak. It was good, but after a few minutes he could tell it wasn’t going to be enough and he looked to Chris inquisitively. “Sit—sit back,” Chris gasped, pushing gently at Zach’s shoulders until he complied. It brought Chris up into him at a better angle, and Chris grinned when Zach groaned and sped up.
Thank god for yoga, Zach thought, his thighs already starting to burn from the repetitive motion. But he kept going, the feeling of fullness and the sweet sounds Chris was making too good to ignore. He tried to stroke himself as he bounced, but he suddenly felt self-conscious, too exposed to touch himself the way he wanted to. There was so much to coordinate – the rhythm of his thrusts, the angle of Chris’ cock, the growing ache in his legs – and he had to slow down and eventually stop to rest for a moment.
Chris immediately got his attention. “Doing okay?” he asked, reaching up to brush a sweaty lock of hair away from Zach’s eyes.
Zach nodded. “Kind of… overwhelmed.”
“Want me to get on top for a little while? Give you a break?”
“Yeah, that sounds really good, actually,” Zach said, slowly pushing himself up and off Chris. He winced again as the other man’s cock pulled free, hit immediately with that aching hollowness. But Chris’ hands were all over him, strong and gentle, and Zach found himself being settled on his back on the bed, Chris’ body pressed warmly atop his.
“You feel so good, Zach,” Chris said, nuzzling kisses into Zach’s neck and jaw and hair. “And you look incredible. Never seen anything so sexy as you up there riding me.”
Never? Zach wanted to ask, but he didn’t want to hear it if the answer was no. “Chris, please. I feel… empty.”
“I’ve got you,” Chris murmured, reaching down to line himself up against Zach’s entrance. “Just concentrate on what feels good.” He slowly thrust forward, his heat filling Zach once more.
Chris pushed up on his hands and Zach almost reached out to pull him back down, but then Chris began to piston his hips in long, measured thrusts that rolled right over Zach’s sweet spot, and Zach’s mouth dropped open in a silent moan. Zach couldn’t imagine how many partners and clients Chris must have had to be able to see so patiently and easily to Zach’s pleasure – twice – while keeping his own needs firmly in check. Moreover, Zach didn’t want to think about it. Chris had to be dying to plunge into him hard and fast – that was how it always ended, right?
But Chris kept the pace steady, speeding up only when Zach asked for more. He held Zach’s hips firmly, tugging their bodies together with carefully controlled force, and Zach wondered what it would be like for Chris to let go, what it would take to make him lose control. The thought of it made Zach groan, and he reached out for Chris, who stilled the push of his hips and bent down for a long, wet kiss.
“What do you need, Zach?”
“Can you come down here? Get closer to me?”
“Of course,” Chris said with a soft smile, resting his weight on his forearms and settling in until they were chest to chest. When Chris began thrusting again, he could really only manage short, shallow strokes, but it was worth it to have his body so close and his mouth within kissing range. Zach smeared his lips against Chris’, running his hands over as much of Chris as he could reach.
Zach let it go on for as long as he could stand it. The friction of Chris’ belly against his cock was maddening, enough to tease but not enough to send him over. And Chris had been waiting for so long, Zach couldn’t forget that. “I need—” he gasped, trying to worm a hand between their bodies.
“Yeah,” Chris groaned, dropping his head to Zach’s chest for a second, and Zach tenderly threaded his fingers through Chris’ hair. When Chris looked back up, his expression was as open and unguarded as Zach had ever seen it, full of desire and affection, and the moment seemed to stretch out, time slowing to a standstill. In that moment, Zach felt utterly cherished, powerful and beautiful and at home in his body for the first time in years. He was struck dumb with the gratitude and admiration and love he felt for this man.
Then time snapped back into place and Chris was shifting up enough to be able to fist Zach’s cock and thrust against Zach’s prostate again. The sensation rose up beneath Zach’s skin so fast he didn’t even have time to process it. He barely even managed to cry out before he was shaking with bursts of molten pleasure, emptying himself into Zach’s fist even as Chris continued to fill him.
Zach was still quaking with the last few pulses of it when he felt Chris’ thrusts grow erratic. He gasped Chris’ name just as the other man’s muscles turned to iron and he stuttered to a halt buried deep in Zach’s body. Zach couldn’t feel his orgasm, but he could see every blissful second of it played out across Chris’ face. Chris thrust weakly against him a few more times and stilled, his head slumping between his shoulders as he gasped for breath.
“Gonna… gonna have to pull out now,” he managed after a few moments. “Might not be pleasant.”
It wasn’t, all the more because Zach knew he’d never have him again. But Chris disposed of the condom quickly and rejoined Zach on the bed. As overheated and sweaty as Zach was, he snuggled instantly into Chris’ arms, and Chris held him tightly as they both recovered.
Chris combed his fingers lightly through Zach’s hair. “Okay?”
Zach could only grunt and hold Chris tighter. “Wow,” he said when he could form words again. “Just… wow.”
He felt the gentle laugh deep in Chris’ chest. “Best compliment I could possibly get. You were pretty amazing yourself.”
Zach’s heart felt full to bursting, and he hid his face against Chris’ shoulder as he couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth. “Chris, I love you.”
“Hmm?” Chris said, craning his neck up, but Zach couldn’t meet his eyes. “No, really. I couldn’t hear you.”
Zach took a deep breath. He’d said it once; he could do it again. “I’m sorry, Chris. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I’m in love with you. I’m so sorry.”
“Hey,” Chris murmured, shifting just far enough away so he could look right at Zach. “Zach, it’s okay. Don’t apologize for being in love with me.”
“But I shouldn’t be,” Zach whispered pitifully, his eyes fixed down at Chris’ hands where they rested near his.
“It’s not the end of the world,” Chris said, taking Zach’s hands in his own and lightly rubbing his thumbs across Zach’s knuckles. “I’m not upset, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“I’m not expecting anything from you,” Zach blurted out quickly. “I know you don’t love me back. I know this is supposed to be a professional relationship and I was supposed to keep some distance emotionally, but… but…” Zach trailed off, his chest tightening painfully and his eyes burning. He was afraid that if he kept talking, he really would break down.
“Zach,” Chris whispered, gently gathering Zach in his arms. “It’s alright. Yeah, this is a professional relationship, but I’m not your shrink, okay? You know that. This happens sometimes, and it’s a little awkward, a little painful, but it’s not wrong. When did I ever tell you to keep an emotional distance?”
“Uh… well, I guess you didn’t. But I thought—”
“All I’ve ever asked is that you be honest about what you’re feeling and responsible about how you act on it. Which is exactly what you’re doing. And I’m proud of you – that took some cast-iron balls to say just now, didn’t it?”
Zach snorted. “Yeah.”
“Hey, look at me.” Chris tilted Zach’s chin up. “Never be ashamed to love someone. Never. I care about you so much, Zach. I admire your resilience and your honesty, and I am absolutely honored that you love me.”
Zach let the tears spill over then, not a flood but a steady trickle, and Chris held him through it. More than anything, Zach wanted Chris to tilt his chin up and kiss him, deeply and reassuringly, but he understood why Chris didn’t. Why he couldn’t. That was the line they couldn’t cross.
“There’s no one in the world who knows my body like you do,” Zach whispered shakily against Chris’ chest.
“Not yet,” Chris said. “But there will be.” It just made Zach tremble harder.
When Zach began to calm down, Chris murmured, “I’m just the training wheels, Zach. Remember that. I’m safe and comfortable, but I’m not what you need.”
“Then what do I need?”
“Freedom. You need to see what’s out there in the world, what it has to offer. Which for you, I assure you, is quite a lot.”
“I don’t know if I can do this without you,” Zach confessed, trying to keep the trembling out of his voice.
“And I know you can,” replied Chris without hesitation. “You’ve been ready for each step you’ve taken so far, and I know it sucks, but you’re ready for this one, too.”
“I’ll have to completely start over.”
“Not from scratch. Remember your objectives? You’ve gotten so much better at flirting and small talk and accepting physical touch. And you can sure as hell be confident in your experience in the bedroom. You’ve got all the makings of a great lover – compassion, attentiveness, creativity.”
Zach hid his face against Chris’ chest, wanting to prolong the moment as long as possible, and Chris tenderly stroked his back. “You are so much stronger than you even know, Zach. I’ve known that since the day I met you. One day soon you are absolutely going to flourish, I’m positive of that.”
After that, they lay in deliberate silence until they could no longer ignore the clock. They disentangled themselves in stages, breaking the physical connection gradually and, in Zach’s case, reluctantly. He dressed slowly, forcing himself not to stare at Chris as all that gorgeous, kissable skin disappeared beneath clothing once again. As careful as Chris had been, Zach was already a little sore, but he clung to the hurt, a reminder of Chris’ body moving in his.
Before he knew it – before he felt ready – Zach was walking Chris to the front door, working out the last details of their parting. “And if I need to contact you?”
“Talk to Dr. Patel first,” Chris said. “But I’ll be honest with you, and he’s going to say the same thing: unless it’s some kind of emergency, it’s easier if you don’t.”
Zach nodded, trying to convince himself. “Yeah, a clean break and all that.”
“Exactly. And keep talking through all of this with him.” Chris smiled. “Wait, why am I even telling you that? You know. You could probably be a psychologist in your own right by now.”
“What, and listen to other people’s problems all day?” Zach said, making a lame attempt at humor.
It made Chris chuckle. “It’s better than a kick to the head.” With that, he reached out and pulled Zach into his arms one final time. “I know I’ve said it before, but I’ve really enjoyed working with you, Zach. I’m not going to forget about you.”
“Me neither,” Zach said, glad he’d already exhausted his supply of tears. “You’ve done so much for me. How am I supposed to thank you?”
“Use what you have learned. Save you, it can,” Chris deadpanned in his best Yoda impersonation. Which was really pretty terrible, but it made Zach laugh anyway. “Seriously, Zach, you’re going to do fine. You have so much to offer. Get out there and break some hearts. And be kind to yourself – you deserve it.”
When Chris started let go, Zach had to fight the urge to cling harder. But then Chris leaned in and placed a heartbreakingly gentle kiss on Zach’s lips. “Goodbye.”
“Goodbye, Chris,” Zach whispered back, getting one last, long look into the mesmerizing depths of Chris’ eyes before he had to open the door and let him go.
After Zach shut the door, he wandered slowly back into the living room. He was surprised to find that he didn’t feel like wailing or tearing his clothes. It hurt, sure, and he felt lonely again, but there was something that told him – in Chris’ voice – that the loneliness wouldn’t break him anymore.
Noah was perched on the couch, but Zach didn’t bother to shoo the dog off, just plopped down beside him and began to stroke his fur. “It’s so much simpler for you, isn’t it, buddy? A little sniffing, a quick hump, and then you go your separate ways, no hard feelings.”
Noah lifted his head, staring at Zach as if to say Would be if I still had my balls.
“Oh, right, that,” Zach sighed. “Well, I guess I’ll stop complaining, then.”
Continue to epilogue
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2010-10-11 06:40 am (UTC)Love, this is just absolutely stupendous! I mean, I want to read it over and over again until the end of time. I just adore it! I can't wait to see what the epilogue has in store, but I can honestly say I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it no matter what. I was worried this would break my heart in the end, if they remain professional and stay apart now, but even if they remain apart, I feel bizarrely at peace with it. I mean, I'm already freakishly invested in Chris and Zach to begin with, but I'm still surprised at just how invested in this Chris and this Zach I've become.
You've put so much thought into this entire story and their characters, that's obvious. You've created this really beautiful tale that's sexy and intense and tender and funny and sad and hopeful and just a million other complex feelings and emotions all in one place. I'm totally gushing, but I just can't stress enough how much I adore this story! <3333333333333333333
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Date: 2010-10-11 07:23 am (UTC)Mind you, there was a whole fucking lot of insanely hot stuff in here, and Zach's shyness and hesitancy and oh god how quickly he comes from being rimmed, that is a major fricking turnon and I cannot even deal. Good lord the hotness of this fic.
But what really gets me is the end of it, which aches & is raw in all the ways I most wanted it to be, and it seriously got to me. I would kill for Chris's compassion and poise in dealing with Zach's admission of love. Just... wow.
AND OMFG THERE'S AN EPILOGUE
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Date: 2010-10-11 07:25 am (UTC)OMG RUNNING TO THE NEXT CHAPTER
D:
SO HOT BUT SO SAD
D:
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Date: 2010-10-11 01:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-11 01:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-11 05:18 pm (UTC)Oh, man, you would not believe how many times I kept checking to see if this was posted last night, lol. Thank you so much for this. I loved that Zach wanted to bottom for Chris once before the end and that he was brave enough to go through with it and with telling Chris he loved him. And that Zach was strong enough to keep going when Chris left. Thank you so much for this.
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Date: 2010-10-11 07:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-11 08:29 pm (UTC)This and "would be if I still had my balls" made me laugh out loud. The comic relief was much needed after all the intense emotions and hot sexings. Wow. What a story! I can't believe there's only the epilogue left, it was so enjoyable to read that I would love for it to go on forever. Just like Zach, I guess. XD
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Date: 2010-10-11 09:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-12 09:39 pm (UTC)I love how Zach still hasn't mastered dirty talk(and honestly, just the fact you made sex actually fun for them just made this feel all the more believable), rimming-huge kink for me for these boys, and I liked that it was a tensionbreaker, not just the end of the sex for the night; more like a build up of things to come (pun moat likely intended). All the kissing and the fact they weren't askng for it anymore, and just kissed for the sake of ha ing another way to touch one another. My heart also may have twisted at Chris touching Zachs face like he did in the beginning and Zach having that need/urge to touch/kiss Chris' hands. Beautiful image.
Now I want to thank you. Thanks. FOR BREAKING MY HEART. Geez.
I know that while this was AU and it's fiction in general, just reading it made me at least, feel as though we were on the journey with Zach and even we put off the end of it all. Reading this not even half an hour after waking up did not prepare me for the ending. But it still went with the realistic feel of the entire fix to begin with, that it wasn't going to end with sunshine and rainbows. I still cried though. (you b
manage to break my heart, and I still love you for it, how does that happen!)
This was a seriously good piece of writing. With the sex surrgacy being a real practice, and the flow of it all made it worth the wait to see the end-end being the epilogue that I need to comment on too! I could gush all day about this! Great, great job bb! <3
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Date: 2010-10-13 08:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-15 04:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-15 04:14 am (UTC)THERE COULDN'T NOT BE AN EPILOGUE.
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Date: 2010-10-15 04:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-15 04:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-15 04:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-15 04:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-15 04:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-15 04:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-15 04:21 am (UTC)Ha ha, me too! I can totally see him plopping down and hashing things out with Noah, who is very good at nodding at all the right times.
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Date: 2010-10-15 04:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-15 04:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-15 04:27 am (UTC)