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the_deep_magicTitle: Training Wheels (Epilogue)
Author: ![[info]](https://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
the_deep_magic
Pairing: Pinto
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,620
Warnings: Other than AU? None at all. :oD
Disclaimer: nothing pertaining to Chris or Zach is true, but the therapy described is real
Summary: surrogate (n): one appointed to act in place of another; a substitute
A/N: Finally done! Another whopping round of thanks for everyone who's commented with support. Y'all enjoy this; I'm-a go lay down now.
Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five
Two years later…
The crowd at the club was finally starting to ease up. Why his friends insisted on coming to this zoo of a place on a Saturday night, Chris would never know. Their group had sort of disbanded an hour ago when the only two single girls had seen some other friends across the bar and left to talk to them. Most of the single guys immediately dispersed in search of female company, and the remaining couple decided to hit the dance floor. Chris hadn’t even seen any of them in a while, and he wasn’t particularly in the mood to make small talk, so he sat at a table in the back, finishing up his drink and content to just watch the crowd.
Eventually, he spotted his friend Dave dancing – or, more accurately, grinding – with a blonde in a ridiculously short dress. He looked three sheets to the wind and Chris smiled to himself. The man was a well-respected investment banker. Just when he thought they were all getting to too old for this…
He was snapped out of his reverie by the sound of an empty glass being set down on the table.
“Hey, sorry, do you mind if I— Chris?”
The lighting was so bad that it took him a minute to place the other man, not least because of the setting, but Chris could never mistake him for someone else. “Zach?”
Zach nodded and rounded the table as Chris jumped up from his chair. He only meant to offer Zach a handshake, but instead his arms reached out and he found himself pulling Zach in for a quick hug. “How’s it going, man?”
“Good. Pretty good. How are you?”
“Not bad,” Chris said, trying to remember to shut his jaw afterwards. Zach. “What are you— I mean, why—”
“What am I doing in a club?” Zach asked with a sheepish smile, his eyes glimmering behind square, thick rimmed glasses that suited the shape of his face absurdly well. His hair had grown out a little longer and was falling down across his forehead, but the well-worn striped shirt and the set of the shoulders beneath were the same. Fuck, and that smile.
“Something like that, yeah. Sorry, not trying to be rude.”
“Oh, not at all. I’m still not exactly a social butterfly, but it’s my friend’s birthday, and there was a big group of us… Everybody’s kind of gone their separate ways, though.”
Chris grinned. “I know how that is. You got a few minutes?” Chris gestured toward the empty table.
“Well, it looks like my coterie of admirers has deserted me for the moment, so sure.”
They both sat, and Chris chuckled softly, still astounded. “Of all the places to run into you!”
“I know, right? Truthfully, I was just about to duck out of here. You?”
“I was considering that, myself. I drove here with a friend—” Chris gestured toward the man on the dance floor, who was now barely moving his hips as the blonde whispered intently into his ear. “—but I’m pretty sure he’s about to ask me if I can find my own ride home.”
“Typical,” Zach said with an eye roll and Chris laughed again. It was all so surreal, seeing Zach sitting there, so relaxed and comfortable in his skin. He was undoubtedly the same man Chris had known before, but so much more self-assured. Chris found he was dying to know what had happened since they’d parted.
“Hey, it’s kind of loud in here,” he said. “You want to take a walk or something? I think there’s a park a couple blocks over.”
“Yeah,” Zach said, looking genuinely pleased at the prospect. “Let me just say goodbye to my friend.”
“I’d better do that, too. Meet you out front in five.”
They separated and Chris fought his way across the dance floor toward Dave. He told him to have fun, that he’d find a ride, and with a wink, told the blonde to take good care of him. Chris was the first out the exit and into the fresh air, just the slightest bit of a chill lingering in the breeze. It was a welcome change from the packed heat of the club, and he tilted his head back to look at the few stars he could see through all the light pollution.
God, he hadn’t thought about Zach in… well, okay, he did think about Zach every once in a while. He would see something that reminded him of Zach – a shaggy dog with a bandana, a guy getting his eyebrows waxed, anyone over the age of eight drinking a Shirley Temple – and fondly remember their time together. He still saw Dr. Patel every now and then, and usually made it a point to ask how Zach was doing. Of course, the doctor couldn’t legally say much more than “He’s doing well, you certainly had a big impact on him,” but Chris could tell he meant it and was happy with Zach’s progress, which was always enough to make Chris smile.
Zach had been memorable for a number of reasons, not the least of which was that Chris never got to work with anyone so hot. Shallow, sure, but it had made certain parts of his job easier – and some much harder. At times, he had just wanted to grab Zach by his shoulders and shake some sense into him, ask him how it was possible that he didn’t know how beautiful he was. And when things finally took a turn for the better, Chris usually had to jerk off before their sessions together just so he could have some endurance once they started. Not an approved therapeutic technique, maybe, but it worked.
But it wasn’t just Zach’s appearance that made Chris remember him. Whenever Chris had a rough shift at the hospital, or had a client quit on him, or just generally felt like he was spinning his wheels, he recalled how apprehensive Zach had been when they’d first met, how closed off. But he’d asked for help, and by the end, he was standing up straighter, smiling more easily, initiating touches and kisses and more without a second thought. It made Chris feel like he’d done some concrete good in the world, even if it was just giving one gorgeous, kind, intelligent man some well-earned confidence when it came to sex.
A finger gently tapped his shoulder and Chris turned to see Zach standing there, looking cheerful and a little flushed from the heat of the club and completely perfect. There was still some nervous energy there, but it came across as excitement rather than anxiety. Chris had to keep a tight hold on his emotions, still not sure how much he should be giving away of what he felt. “So what have you been up to?” he asked, setting off down the sidewalk in the direction of the park.
“Still doing graphic design,” Zach said. “But I’ve been working pretty exclusively with a textbook publisher, so it gets me out of the house more. And into an office, which isn’t terribly exciting, but it forces me to be a little more social. And…” Zach ducked his head, and Chris could see he was grinning. “I’ve been going to some auditions.”
“No lie!” Chris exclaimed. “Gotten anything?”
“I got a couple of walk-on parts on some cable shows. No more than one or two lines.”
“Zach, that’s awesome,” Chris said with conviction. He truly hadn’t expected to hear that, and it made his heart swell with pride.
“So, uh, what about you?” Zach asked, seeming eager to get the focus away from himself. “Still doing the surrogate thing?”
Chris bit his lip; he wondered how much to tell Zach. But it was Zach, and for better or worse, Chris still trusted him. “Yeah, but I think my current client is going to be my last one for a while. I’m starting a PhD program in the fall, so I’m probably just going to do that and reduced hours at the hospital.”
“Better pay there?”
“Oh god, no,” Chris laughed. “Worse hours, too. But the surrogacy is… well, it requires about ten times as much emotional investment in my clients.”
Zach smiled politely but fell quiet, his eyes fixed on the sidewalk in front of him, and Chris badly wanted to know what was going through his head. Though some of the people he worked with would ask, Chris never talked to them about other clients. They usually brought it up because they were trying to compare themselves, see how they measured up in Chris’ estimation, but there were also some strains of jealousy. Even though Chris never worked with more than one client at a time, he knew some people found it hard to believe that there was someone before them and there would be someone after them. It was a singular life event for the client, but not for Chris. He always had the feeling Zach understood that, though they’d never discussed it – not even when Zach had confessed his love for Chris.
Chris felt his head grow too full of pointless speculation, so he spoke up again. “I ask Dr. Patel about you sometimes, when I see him. He doesn’t tell me anything specific, of course, just that you’re doing well. Are you? You certainly look like you are.”
“I am,” Zach said, finally looking right at Chris. “I’ve actually been dating. Not, y’know, a lot, but there was one guy, I met him about a year ago. We were together for nine months.”
“Didn’t work out?” Chris asked before he could think better of it. Zach certainly didn’t seem like he needed to be treated with kid gloves anymore. “I’m sorry if I’m being too forward, or if this is a sore subject. You can just tell me to cram it if you want.”
Zach just shook his head. “No, no, it’s okay. It was a little rough afterwards, but I was the one who ended it. Without going into too much detail… well, things just weren’t working out.”
“Well, I’m sorry it had to end,” Chris said truthfully, “but, god, if you could hear yourself.” He grinned and shook his head a little, trying not to stare. “I mean, how you are now versus how you were. You’re so much more confident. It’s even in your voice.”
Zach’s feet slowed on the sidewalk. “Yeah?”
“Definitely.” Chris affirmed, slowing his pace to match Zach’s. “You look happy.”
“Then I should thank you for that. It’s because of you, you know.”
Chris felt his cheeks start to heat. “Well, you’re welcome, but it’s not just because of me. Training wheels, remember? You’ve been riding that two-wheeler on your own for a couple of years now.”
“Yeah, but you taught me,” Zach said, swaying slightly and bumping Chris’ shoulder with his own in a warm, friendly gesture, and Chris just savored the moment instead of trying to come up with a witty rejoinder.
By then they had arrived at the park, and Chris led them toward a bench to sit. He knew he probably shouldn’t push Zach too much – Chris wasn’t his therapist anymore, after all – but he genuinely wanted to know. “Okay,” he said, “now I’m really going to be too forward. Again, you can tell me to shut up if—”
“The sex has been good,” Zach interjected, smiling as Chris’ jaw dropped. “There have been four guys since you, including the nine-month boyfriend. Who only ranked second out of the four, by the way.”
Chris leaned in; he couldn’t help himself. “Who was number one?”
“It only lasted a few weeks with him. He was sweet and a lot of fun, but he thought Mel Gibson was the authoritative Hamlet.”
Chris clucked his tongue. “It just wasn’t meant to be.”
“No, I still haven’t found anyone I’ve clicked with as well— I mean, I haven’t really found anyone I’ve connected with.”
“Give it time,” Chris said, wondering what Zach had almost just said. “I’m still at that stage, too.”
“Not dating anyone at the moment?” Zach looked faintly surprised.
“No.” He’d never talked to a former client this much about personal things, but Zach made it so easy. “Haven’t for a while, actually. It’s really hard to date and do what I do. I know some surrogates who are married, but they usually started the work after they were already settled down.”
Zach bit his lip. “I did wonder about that, but I never really knew how to ask you.”
“Yeah, it’s a little bit tough to explain on a first date,” Chris chuckled, pushing the old familiar melancholy down. “And even if a potential someone can get past the sex-with-other-people part, it’s really hard to switch gears from therapy to romance. I mean, I obviously think the job’s worth it or I wouldn’t do it, but sometimes it can be a bit… isolating, I guess.”
Zach smiled sympathetically. “Wow, I never thought I’d feel like I had it easy on the dating front.”
“Hey, you’ve come a long way,” Chris said, a little irritated at himself for letting the sadness get to him. “Have I told you that you look really good?”
“You’ve mentioned it, yeah.”
The conversation fell silent for a moment as a jogger strode past with a little dog in tow and Chris was relieved to have a change of subject. “How’s Noah?”
“Still going strong,” Zach said, looking impressed. “I can’t believe you remember my dog.”
Chris laughed. “C’mon, how could I forget him? I’ve been thinking about getting a dog, myself.”
Another pause while Zach glanced away, and in a sudden flash of intuition, Chris felt the bottom drop out of his stomach. When Zach looked back at him, he was almost certain what Zach was going to say. “Hey, Chris? What if… What if we were just two guys who happened to run into each other at bar tonight? If we just happened to strike up a conversation and hit it off really well? And what if I asked you if you wanted to do it again sometime?”
Chris glanced down at the sidewalk. Even before his little premonition, he’d wondered at the back of his mind if this would come up. He’d had clients confess their love for him before, even had them ask him out after their sessions were through, but never this long after. If by chance he ran into a former client a significant time later, they were usually cordial and happy to see him, but rarely did they want to be reminded of that time in their lives that they needed Chris. He could understand that – admitting you needed sex therapy was never easy, and his profession still wasn’t widely accepted, even within the field of psychology.
Chris didn’t realize how long he’d been thinking until Zach cleared his throat. “Unless I’ve misinterpreted things,” he supplied quickly.
“No. No, you haven’t misinterpreted,” Chris said, still not quite looking Zach in the eye. He found himself utterly unprepared for this, for the fact that when the subject came up, something immediately sparked to life in his chest and screamed yes. He’d always been deeply attracted to Zach; he’d stopped mentally fighting it about three sessions in. Gently rebuffing Zach’s confession of love had been one of the hardest moments of his career.
“Or if it’s against the rules,” Zach continued.
“No. Though there really aren’t rules for things like this,” Chris muttered, choosing his words carefully while trying to think quickly. There truly weren’t any regulations – obviously common sense prohibited him from starting a relationship with someone he’d just worked with. But this wasn’t quite the same Zach that he’d known before, not even at the end of their therapy. This Zach had had two years out in the world, two years to spread his wings and learn to accept himself and, perhaps most importantly, date around a little bit, get to know his options. Was it enough?
“Hey Chris,” Zach said, a small, nervous smile on his face. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in your head.”
Chris wanted to chuckle at the little reversal Zach had just pulled, but he had to start speaking or he might never get it out. “I enjoy talking with you. I always did. And, god, I don’t think I ever spent three whole weeks doing nothing but rolling around in bed with a client, before or since. It was good, crazy good. But I don’t want to… to do you a disservice, Zach. That endlessly patient, saintly guy you think you know? That’s Therapist Chris. He’s only around during business hours.”
Zach scooted a little closer to him on the bench. “I’m not saying I want to pick up where we left off. I want to start fresh, get to know you again. The real you, not the perfect, therapist you. The you that worked all night and passed out on my couch.”
Chris buried his face in his hands, simultaneously elated that Zach had picked up on his concerns so quickly and embarrassed at the memory. “God, I’d forgotten about that. But you should know – the real me can be insecure and sarcastic and really pissy if he doesn’t get his coffee first thing in the morning.”
Zach reached out and gently set a hand on Chris’ shoulder. “So I’ll make sure to stay stocked up on coffee.”
The casual intimacy of the touch made Chris lose all control over his mouth. “And I love burritos. No, seriously, I love them – romantically – and I eat them all the time even though they really don’t love me back, if you know what I mean.”
Chris was horrified at what he’d just said, but Zach somehow managed to remain mostly straight-faced. “Quit trying to gross me out, it’s not going to happen. Bodily functions are not going to scare me off.”
“And I like the toilet paper with the free end under the roll.” Fuck, Chris’ mouth was going to be the death of him. Well, better Zach learn about it now. “I know some people feel really negatively about that. Homicidal, even.”
Zach’s eyes narrowed with real concern. “Are you trying to talk me out of this?”
“I just don’t want to disappoint you,” Chris said softly, fully aware of all the times he’d reassured Zach that he couldn’t disappoint Chris. But this was different – Chris couldn’t be the all-knowing, infinitely serene healer for Zach anymore. He could only be himself.
“Chris, talking with you, flirting with you was the easiest it’s ever been for me, before or since. That’s mostly what stuck with me, the way we clicked so quickly – you know that doesn’t happen a lot for me. And that guy I flirted with in the bar, the one with the fake alpaca farm and the improv training? I’m pretty sure that was Chris the person, not Chris the professionally licensed sex surrogate.”
Chris felt like he should say something, but Zach continued, “And the sex? Maybe it’s like that for all your clients, but for me it was completely unparalleled. Hamlet guy? He was the best of them, but he couldn’t hold a candle to you. I think I could sleep with every guy in Los Angeles and never find better. Maybe the real Chris isn’t always as patient or selfless, but I know he’s incredibly generous in bed.”
Chris looked into Zach’s eyes for a long time, searching for something even Chris couldn’t name. Zach just held his gaze, and Chris could see both the apprehension and the conviction that were so unmistakably Zach. And there was so much more of the latter than the former. “Alright,” he said at last, feeling a weight lifted from his shoulders with just those two syllables. “I don’t know if this is the best idea, but… I trust you. And I trust that you know yourself. We can try, see what happens.”
Zach smiled giddily, like he was barely refraining from throwing his arms around Chris. “I trust you, too. I think we can figure this out.”
“And, no, it wasn’t… Maybe I shouldn’t be admitting to this, but with you it always too much fun to be work – I almost felt guilty for getting paid.” Zach opened his mouth, but Chris cut him off. “And no, that doesn’t mean you’ll be getting your money back.”
Zach hesitated for a moment and Chris’ heart shot into his throat. If they weren’t going to be able to at least acknowledge the past, there were already going to be some problems. But then Zach smiled and said, “Alright, but you’re paying for all my Shirley Temples.”
“I won’t limit you to that,” Chris said slyly. “If you’re feeling adventurous, I’ll even buy you a strawberry daiquiri.” They both laughed, and Chris asked, “So, where are you taking me on our first date?”
Zach grinned. “Well, not Mexican food. I can tell you that.”
“Aw, but I thought you wanted to meet Flatulent Chris!”
“Not on the first date! He can wait ‘til number two or three, at least.”
“Just delaying the inevitable,” Chris sighed dramatically, draping his elbows over the back of the bench.
“Chris, I should tell you something.” Zach’s face suddenly went serious, and he leaned in conspiratorially. “I’ve, uh… I’ve learned a few things since our last time together.”
Chris’ eyes went wide, completely unable to repress his shock at Zach’s boldness. “Do tell.”
Zach’s smile was shy, but calculatedly so. “I’d rather show you.”
Yeah, the Mexican food could definitely wait.FIN
If you’re interested in learning more about sexual surrogate therapy – which is pretty darn fascinating in its own right – here are some of the resources I consulted:
Reaching Intimacy: A Male Sex Surrogate’s Perspective – Jerry De Haan; St. Martin's Press, 1986 (Thank god for university libraries!)
International Professional Surrogates Association – http://www.surrogatetherapy.org
Interview with Vena Blanchard, IPSA President – http://www.sexuality.org/vena99.html
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no subject
Date: 2010-10-11 10:16 pm (UTC)I cried at their good bye and was so happy to read the epilogue which felt like such a natural conclusion.
This was fantastic. I really can't tell you how much I love it.
no subject
Date: 2010-10-16 06:05 am (UTC)