FIC: ST RPS -- Chris and Zach Go to a Nudie Beach

[the_deep_magic]

Title: Chris and Zach Go to a Nudie Beach (Or, A Penis in the Sun)
Author: the_deep_magic
Pairing: Pinto
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4,379
Warnings: exhibitionism, public sex, mild painplay
Disclaimer: naked, oily lies.  Always wear SPF 30 or above and reapply regularly.
Summary: “Zach, take your clothes off.  People are starting to stare.”
A/N: written for Beedle’s Pinto Pornapalooza II: Naked Boogaloo, for the prompt "Exhibitionist Kink: Chris persuades Zach to visit a nudist beach with him..."

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“Okay, everyone in this room who has made a living by getting up on stage and dropping trou six nights a week, raise your hand.”

Zach glares at him.

“Zaaaachary, I don’t see any haaa-aaands.”

“You make it sound like I got up on stage for the express purpose of taking my pants off.  That is almost entirely untrue.”

“I’m just saying, which one of us has a documented predilection for public nudity?”

“Glad to hear that you don’t distinguish between Drama Desk-nominated performances in internationally renowned plays and stripping.”

Chris shrugs.  “On stage, a naked dick is a naked dick.  So what’s your problem with this?”

“I just seriously don’t see the point.  How does nudity enhance the beach experience?”

“I don’t know – that’s what I want to find out,” Chris says, disturbingly eager.  “It’s all the rage in Europe, right?”

“I think you’re confusing nude beaches with bad techno and CSI Miami.”

Chris pouts.  He actually pokes out his lower lip and pouts.  “I don’t get why you’re so against this.”

“And I don’t get why you’re so for it.”  Zach sighs.  “You do know nude beaches are not sex beaches, right?  It’s still illegal to fuck in public.”

“Of course I—wait, there are sex beaches?  That’s a thing?”

With a groan, Zach says, “No.  Not in LA, at least.  And if it were, I wouldn’t go near one, because I promise you, doing anything other than sitting very still on a towel will get grains of sand in your every nook and cranny.”

Chris winces.  “Really?  Even the cranny?”

“Especially the cranny.”

After a second, though, Chris regains his determination, the stubborn look settling over his face again.  “I’m not talking about public sex, Zach.  I really want to go.  I’ve never even been skinny-dipping – can you believe that?  And I found the perfect place, a little out-of-the-way beach outside of San Diego.”

God, he looks so earnest about all this.  “You couldn’t find one in LA?”

“They, uh, don’t allow nudity in LA County.  Like, at all.  But this will be better!  It’s practically deserted.  No one will recognize us.”

Zach knows better than this.  But Chris’ eyes have that pleading look in them and really, who’s it going to hurt?  Chris hates the paps even more than Zach does, so if he says this place is obscure, Zach believes him.  “Out of the way, huh?”

“Totally.  We’ll go on a week day.  There probably won’t even be anyone else there.”

&&&

“No.  No no no.  No.”

“Okay,” Chris says, fingers still gripping the steering wheel even though he’s already shut the car off.  “Okay.  I admit that I am experiencing some mild surprise.”

An entire family – complete with grandparents – walks by, every last one of them completely nude.  Balls.  Saggy old man balls.  It’s all Zach can see, even when he shuts his eyes.  And there are dozens, maybe hundreds more scrota awaiting him on the beach itself, which is most assuredly not deserted.  If it’s out of the way, nobody told all these people.

“If we go home right now,” Zach says calmly, “my retinas just might survive.”

“Aw, c’mon, we’re already here,” Chris says.  “Might as well do this.”

“There are some serious flaws in that logic,” Zach says, but Chris is already climbing out of the car.

“No, think about it, this is even better.  We’ll blend right in.  Plus, nobody’s going to be looking at our faces.”

Well, nobody’s going to be looking at Chris’ face, anyway, not if his dick’s on display.  It’s pretty magnificent, even when soft.  Zach teases him about being all show, since he’s not that much bigger than Zach when they’re both hard, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t appreciate it.  With his mouth.  Often.  Wait, what was he supposed to be thinking about?  Oh, right.

“Chris, I don’t know.  So many camera phones.”

“Yeah, I was thinking about that.  But I’m pretty sure it’s a significant breach of etiquette to whip out any picture-taking device here.  That’s just perverse.”  He grins and sticks his tongue out through his teeth, but Zach has to admit, he’s got a point.  Anyone with a camera would get tackled pretty quickly – there are some kids here.

And Chris is already grabbing the towels out of the back seat.  He’s still got his swim trunks on, and so does Zach.  As Zach emerges from the car, he tries to surreptitiously look around the parking lot.  Most of the people are already naked save for flip-flops.  “Do we have to strip here?”

“I’m gonna wait ‘til we get down to the beach,” Chris says, leaning against the car and obviously waiting on Zach.  “I still don’t know if I’m comfortable with jiggling all the way down to the water.”

They make their way to the beach, Zach trying very hard to keep his focus straight ahead of him.  Where does he normally look when he walks?  He’s never paid attention to that before.  Chris doesn’t seem all that concerned, casually glancing around.  They’re both wearing sunglasses, and Zach insisted on switching hats for the day.  He doesn’t necessarily like the way he looks in a baseball cap, but at least people might not think it’s him.  Chris, meanwhile, dug the old straw fedora out of Zach’s closet and now has it perched jauntily on his head.  All Zach can wonder is whether he looked that ridiculous in the same hat.

But nobody really seems to be staring at either one of them.  Well, a few people glance disapprovingly at their clothes, but that’s only because they still have them on.  Much too soon for Zach’s liking, they come to an empty spot on the sand and Chris turns to him.

“This spot look good?”

“Looks better than that fat guy over by the lifeguard stand.”

Chris shakes his head, clucking his tongue with disappointment as he lays down the towels.  “So judgmental, Zachary.  Don’t you know we’re all beautiful, unique snowflakes?”

And then he strips off his shorts.

Zach figures it can’t be bad form to stare at his own boyfriend’s junk, right?  Because there it is, right in front of him.  A penis in the sun.  And look, he manscaped just for the occasion.  At least he didn’t yell “Release the Kraken!” upon unzipping.  That has been known to happen.

Chris stands there with his hands on hips like this is an everyday occurrence.  “Zach, take your clothes off.  People are starting to stare.”

Zach rolls his eyes – if they’re staring, it’s probably because Chris is without a doubt the hottest guy on the beach, though the bar is pretty low, really.  Once again, porn has lied.  Zach huffs and begins removing his shirt, his cheeks hot.  But eventually he realizes that, truly, no one gives a fuck.  Then he is momentarily offended that no one is gaping at his glorious body before realizing that they’d probably be blinded by the sun reflecting off his pale white skin anyway .

Which reminds him: “Sunscreen?” he asks, holding a hand out to Chris.

With a grin, Chris waggles his eyebrows.  “Want me to rub it on you?”

“No, thank you,” Zach says primly, arranging himself carefully on the towel.  Knowing Chris, he won’t be able to help but rub Zach the dirty way, and they’ll both get arrested.  Though Zach does relent and let Chris put some sunblock on his back where he can’t reach, and Chris behaves himself.

As soon as they’re done, Chris’ eyes light up.  “C’mon, let’s go in the water!”

Zach hasn’t been skinny dipping since college, and he’s definitely never done it sober, but it turns out it’s pretty awesome.  Though it’s early summer, the water’s still chilly as they wade in, and Zach can’t help it – he cups a hand over his crotch until they’re in past waist level.  He ducks beneath a breaking wave, gliding down beneath the pull of the current.  Once he gets used to it, the cool water feels heavenly against his skin.  It’s freeing, treading through the water with nothing to slow him down.  He’s not even worried about sharks biting off some of his more important bits of anatomy, either (though as soon as he has the thought, he does glance around for a quick fin check – all clear).

He’s just started floating on his back when something tickles his left ass cheek.  He’s already splashing and flailing by the time he figures out that it’s just Chris.  “Auuuugh, you fuckstain!” he yelps between splashes.

“Hey!” says a woman a few yards away, next to a kid on a boogie board.

Oops, that was probably a poor choice of words.  “Sorry,” Zach says, waving sheepishly before turning his attention to finding Chris and destroying him.  Unfortunately, Chris is a slippery one, disturbingly agile in the water considering his wounded-buffalo-like grace on land.  But he has to come up for air sometime, and that’s when Zach makes his move, using a complex martial art move that he likes to refer to as “clobbering.”  It only takes Chris a few seconds to recover, and then he’s got Zach in a head lock.  Luckily, they’re still close enough to shore that their feet can touch the bottom, so Zach has enough leverage to throw him off.

They kick up a storm, groping and wrestling until they’re both out of breath.  Finally, Chris hops on Zach’s back, his legs wrapped around Zach’s waist.  It makes him immediately nervous, but he remembers the lack of cameras, and nobody seems to be paying attention to them anyway.  It might still look like they’re just horsing around.  “I don’t suppose I could get away with kissing you just now,” Zach says, reaching beneath the water to rub Chris’ thigh.

“Better not,” Chris sighs, letting his chin rest on Zach’s shoulder.  “I can do this, though.”

He shifts his weight and Zach feels one of Chris’ feet trail a path up his thigh, Chris’ heel rubbing awkwardly at Zach’s crotch.  “Cut it out,” he says, trying to sling Chris off his back.

It just makes Chris cling harder.  “Why not?”

“Because at that angle, your leg will cramp before it does any good, and there’s no non-obvious way for you to give me a hand job.”  He pauses, thinks creatively.  “How long can you hold your breath?”

“No,” Chris says sulkily.  “The one time I tried that, I almost drowned.  In a hot tub.”

“Hey, how come I haven’t heard that story?”

“If it happened to you, would you tell me?”

“Hell no.  But we all know you’re kind of a dick.”

“Fine then!” Chris huffs playfully, unwinding from Zach and paddling off.  “See if you get any ass today.  Maybe the fat guy will take pity on you.”

The water feels cold again without Chris wrapped around him, but now Chris is a few feet away, floating on his back, dick bobbing happily along with the ripples.  Fuck, he’s gorgeous in any light, but the afternoon sunlight glinting off his wet, naked body makes him look almost unreal.  And if Zach can’t stop ogling him, he’s not going to be in any state to walk back up the beach in a few minutes.

Zach grits his teeth.  He really shouldn’t do this.  There are so many reasons not to, chief among them the fact that he’s giving Chris exactly what he wants and validating this whole unbearably ludicrous outing.  Also the whole getting arrested thing.  But Chris is naked and Zach is slowly progressing toward out-of-his-mind horny, so best to deal with it now.

He hooks an elbow under Chris’ armpit, dragging his floating body further out and away from the crowd.  Predictably, Chris begins kicking and spluttering.  “C’mon, Zach, just let me float for a little while.”

Zach doesn’t even turn to look at him.  “Do you want to float, or do you wanna fuck around?”

“What, seriously?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Fuck around, please.”  He drops his feet and pushes off the bottom, cutting smoothly through the water.  “Where’re we going?”

“I think there’s a sandbar out there.  If we’re lucky, no one will be able to tell what we’re doing.”

“I love you.  Have I told you that lately?  Because I totally do.”

Zach grunts grudgingly, biting back a smile.  Chris is so easy to please.  They paddle through a few yards of deeper water until their feet can touch the bottom again, little more than their heads and shoulders above water.  At least they won’t have to try to stay afloat at the same time.

Zach is just about to ask Chris how he wants to do this when the other man wraps his legs around Zach’s waist, this time facing him and pressing their chests and hips together.  “I guess that answers that,” Zach says, tilting his head for a salt-flavored kiss.

A little frisson of forbidden pleasure immediately shoots down Zach’s spine.  He’s fooled around in water before, but rarely completely naked and never in broad daylight.  There’s a light breeze and the sun feels deliciously warm on his shoulders, though not as warm as Chris’ body twined around his.  As they kiss, Chris rocks against him gently; not frotting in earnest, just rubbing lightly, but the motion in the water means Zach can feel it ripple down his thighs and up over his belly.  He groans softly into Chris’ mouth, tongue hunting for his taste beneath the salt.

Chris, obviously in a playful mood, twists his tongue against Zach’s, shifting up so that his forearms are resting on Zach’s shoulders and he can kiss down into Zach’s mouth.  His legs tighten so that Zach can feel Chris’ erection pressing into his belly, an iron brand against his skin in the cool water.  They’re far enough away from the crowd on the beach that all Zach can hear is the sound of their mouths moving wetly together, their increasingly rough breathing, the water lapping gently at their skin.  It’s utterly consuming, kissing like this, caressed and supported by the water.  It feels isolated, like they’re a million miles away from the rest of the world.  Zach half feels like he could push off from the bottom and they’d both just drift away, locked in each other’s arms.

But then Chris shifts back down a bit and reaches between their bodies, aligning their cocks, and Zach’s romantic notions are replaced with more urgent desire.  He fits his hands around Chris’ ass, smiling anew at the fact that he can’t quite fit it all in his hands and pulls Chris hard against his body.  Chris gasps, rutting up with his hips.  Without any leverage, Zach nearly staggers backward, but Chris just holds him tighter, crushing them together.

Up until now, they’ve mostly been silent, but Chris – as is his wont in situations such as this – begins a low, filthy litany whispered right in Zach’s ear: “ohhh, fuck, this feels so fucking good.  So hot, rubbing off on you out here where anybody can look over and see us.”

It should bother Zach, but it only makes his hips judder hard, and he buries his face against Chris’ neck, groaning.

“Mm, yeah, you like that, huh?  Want everyone to see how good you do me?”

They’re too far away – Zach knows this, or otherwise he never would have let things get this far.  Plus, as much as Chris jokes, Zach is pretty sure he’s not actually too keen to be arrested for public indecency.  Still, Chris can see the beach over Zach’s shoulder, but Zach can’t.  They could turn, but that would involve stopping, and the last thing Zach wants to do is stop, even briefly.

Chris’ wet fingers dig into the flesh at Zach’s shoulders and he bites none too gently at Zach’s earlobe.  “Wish you could fuck me out here.  It would be so good.  Fuck, all those eyes on us.  Imagine it, holding me down and shoving into me while they watch.”

Zach can’t help but imagine it, though in his mind the onlookers are much, much closer.  He imagines Chris’ moan when Zach enters him, maybe some soft gasps from the crowd when they get a look at Chris’ face.  He’s incredibly expressive when he’s getting fucked, all wide eyes and mobile mouth.  Plus, he does love an audience.  Hell, so does Zach, maybe even more than Chris.  They’d put on a good show, no doubt about that.

The water, which until now has felt teasing and sensual, is starting to impede their progress.  It makes every thrust slower, every movement twice as difficult.  Chris is breathing hard.  Without something to push against, Zach has to do most of the work with his arms, which are really starting to ache.  Eventually, he has to stop, groaning in frustration, and Chris slumps against him, panting in his ear.

After a moment’s rest – during which Zach can’t even think for the roar of lust in his head – Chris loosens his legs a little and reaches between them, fisting both of their cocks in a tight grip.  “Oh, I love you,” Zach gasps, relieved.  “Have I told you that lately?”

Chris laughs hoarsely and jerks them both fast and hard.

“Keep talking,” Zach groans.

Chris clucks his tongue, but then proceeds to lick his way around the shell of Zach’s ear.  “Gonna make me do all the work, huh?”

“I’m the one – oh, fuck – keeping us upright.”

“My mistake,” Chris chuckles, thrusting into his own fist and rubbing his erection against Zach’s.  Zach grips Chris’ ass tighter, kneading the firm, delectable flesh with his fingers hard enough to make Chris grunt.  “What do you want to hear? You wanna hear about how fucking hot this is making me?  Shit, Zach, never thought you’d let me do this, get us off in public.  Been a fantasy of mine for-fucking-ever.”

His hand can’t move quite as fast underwater as it can out of it, but Chris makes up for it by rippling his fingers, rubbing the heads of their cocks together for stimulation so intense it’s almost painful.  It takes much longer than a normal quick, dirty hand job, and Zach wants to come so badly that his toes curl into the soft, silty sand beneath his feet.  Despite the coolness of the water, he feels like he’s sweating.

Without stopping his hand, Chris shifts so his forehead is pressed to Zach’s, and all Zach can see are those blue, blue eyes.  “Getting close?” Chris asks, his breath puffing lightly against Zach’s mouth.  Zach can barely manage a nod before he’s lunging forward to kiss Chris, biting greedily at his lips.  Chris jacks him harder, letting go of his own cock to focus on Zach’s, rubbing his thumb beneath the head until Zach is practically burning up with the need to come.

Chris breaks the kiss to stare right into Zach’s eyes.  He doesn’t even have to say a word, just squeezes while thumbing perfectly at Zach’s slit and Zach comes, burying his face against Chris’ neck and trying to muffle his own moans.  Chris slows and tightens his stroke, drawing every last drop out of Zach’s pulsing cock, where his cum just washes away in the tide, as simple as that.  Chris gives one last squeeze, making Zach shudder, and then his hand is gone.

Before Zach can even let go of Chris’ ass long enough to grab his cock, he realizes Chris is already fisting himself as quickly as the water will allow.  He seems to be close, so Zach leans in, sucking the drying salt off the patch of skin just below his ear before whispering, “Can you see them?”

He can’t see Chris’ eyes, but he imagines them going wide as Chris scans the shoreline.  “Y-yes,” Chris stammers, his whole body beginning to tense in Zach’s arms.

“I bet there’s at least one person watching us right now.  Wondering what we’re up to.  C’mon, baby, give ‘em a show.”

With that, Chris makes a choked sound and goes rigid in Zach’s embrace, and Zach feels a brief burst of warmth in the water near his belly.  He nuzzles into Chris’ neck, holding him close through the cool down. 

After a moment, Chris’ legs unlock and drop from around Zach’s waist.  But even with his feet on the seabed, Chris pushes close, taking Zach’s face in his hands and kissing him with surprising gentleness.  Chris’ lips are warm and lightly chapped from the sun, and he keeps them closed, keeping the kiss light and sweet in comparison to what they’ve just done.  He’s a man of many contrasts, is Chris – a born and bred California boy with a bookish streak a mile wide; a sweetheart who can come out with the most dickish statements and apologize half an hour later; a movie star who loathes the paparazzi and fantasizes about getting fucked in front of an adoring crowd.  Zach wouldn’t love him half as much if he were any less complex.

So after a few minutes of truly tender kissing, Chris – true to his nature – pulls back with a sunny grin.  “That was fucking awesome.  I’m gonna go take a nap now, improve the view on the shore.  Significantly.”

Zach doesn’t even have time to roll his eyes before Chris is off with a splash, turning and swimming in long, smooth strokes back to the shore.  Zach sighs even as he appreciates the blindingly white, naked butt swimming away from him.

&&&

“This is the worst thing ever to happen to anyone.  Ever.  That is not an exaggeration.”  Chris waddles naked out of the bathroom, slightly bow-legged, his stomach, thighs, and – yes – his cock an angry shade of red.

The sight of it makes Zach’s balls retract a little.  “You know you’re supposed to reapply sunscreen after vigorous activity, right?”

“I’ve never had a problem before!”

“You never had the goods out in the sun before, either.  You didn’t think that maybe all that rubbing didn’t strip off some of the sunblock?”

Chris looks hurt, and yeah, okay, that’s maybe not the most compassionate thing Zach could have said to a man with a – oh god, don’t even think it, Zachary – roasted wiener.  Zach sighs, going to a deep place of serenity to avoid giggling.  “I’m sorry that happened.  It sucks.  Come lay down and I’ll rub some aloe on you.”

And Chris must really be in pain, because he doesn’t even try to make a joke or wink lewdly, just shuffles docilely over to the bed and lowers himself down carefully to lie on his back.  Zach retrieves the aloe gel from the bathroom and sits cross-legged on the bed next to Chris.

“You poor thing,” Zach says with real sympathy, squeezing out a generous dollop of gel and starting with Chris’ belly.

Chris moans loudly, and for a second Zach worries that he’s hurting him.  But no, it’s a sound of spiritual, rather than physical, anguish.  “Oh god, it’s going to peel, isn’t it?  Just kill me know, Zach.  Please.  End my suffering.”

“And miss your delightful whining?  Never,” Zach says lightly, smoothing the gel down Chris’ hips to the tops of his thighs.  “Besides, I’ve grown rather attached to you.  Especially to this,” he coos, running a gel-slick finger gently down the top of Chris’ pitiable cock.

“Ah, fuck, Zach, don’t,” Chris gasps, squirming on the bed, and Zach complies – for now.  He has to finish Chris’ legs, after all.  Up on his inner thigh, there’s a pale white gap in the burn, and Zach has to hold back a snort when he realizes it must have been where Chris’ dick rested against his leg.  Speaking of which, as Zach spreads the gel, said cock is slowly but visibly swelling.  Such a precious, horny little fucker.  Zach leans down and blows lightly across Chris’ now-shiny skin, and yes, Little Chris definitely likes that.

So does Big Chris, apparently.  “Ohhh, that feels good.  Do it again,” he groans.

“What’s the magic word?”

“Uh… analingus?”

Zach lets out a surprised laugh.  “Close enough.”  He blows again while he squeezes more aloe gel into his hand.  Very, very carefully, he lifts Chris’ cock, wrapping his finger around the swelling length and smearing the gel around.

“Zach, ahhh, careful,” Chris gasps, but it’s definitely not a stop.

Zach strokes loosely a few times.  “Ah, the Kraken wakes.”

Chris grins, though he doesn’t stop squirming.  “I knew that would catch on.”

With a wicked smile, Zach presses Chris’ dick against his belly, baring the underside, which remains thankfully unburnt.  He places the pad of his thumb at the base and drags it upwards with firm, even pressure all the way to the head.  Chris whimpers, his hands fisting in the blankets, his eyes scrunched shut.

Zach continues that motion, slow and steady, over and over, as drops of precum begin to drip onto Chris’ belly.  Every so often, Zach takes a break to twist his fingers around the head, rubbing carefully but firmly.  The minutes tick by, the only sound that of Chris’ labored breathing.  He takes it for much longer than Zach would have thought him capable, his gorgeous, expressive face contorting in shifting portions of pain and pleasure.

Finally, he yelps, “Zach, just fucking do it!”

“You want me to—?”

“Just, god, make it fast!”

 Luckily, Zach has quite the reserve of knowledge in this particular area, and it only takes five hard, agonizing, perfect strokes before Chris shoots, droplets of white landing all over his slick, shiny skin.  He wails his head off as Zach tugs him through it, trying to give him a good, strong finish without verging into real torture.

But Chris bats Zach’s hand away as soon as he’s done.  “I don’t know whether I should kiss you or punch you.”

“Couldn’t help myself,” Zach says, wiping Chris up the best he can with gentle fingers.

Chris groans anyway.  “Okay, the next time we do that, you have my permission to nag me about sunscreen every five minutes.”

“How about we just don’t go to any more nude beaches?”

“How about I start looking for a place with a giant indoor hot tub?”

Zach grins.  “Deal.”

Comments

[paintchipped.livejournal.com]

"At least he didn’t yell “Release the Kraken!” upon unzipping. That has been known to happen."

OH MY GOD I CAN PICTURE CHRIS SAYING THIS.
Bless you for this fic. Hot and funny all at once.

[littleboycalico.livejournal.com]

OOOOOMG this fic is made of a million shades of awesome, all them even brighter than the most blindingly white of Pine asses under the hottest of suns!

At least he didn’t yell “Release the Kraken!” upon unzipping. That has been known to happen.

I have NO DOUBT in my mind that this is exactly how Chris removes his pants. Everyday.

He fits his hands around Chris’ ass, smiling anew at the fact that he can’t quite fit it all in his hands

THISSSSSS. God, the image of his ass spilling out of Zach's hands is UNFFFF. YES.

Up on his inner thigh, there’s a pale white gap in the burn, and Zach has to hold back a snort when he realizes it must have been where Chris’ dick rested against his leg.

LOL, this entire fic was hysterical, but this part especially made me laugh so hard that I hurt something in my stomach/midsection area. The idea that Chris was happily dozing away on the beach with his junk out, oblivious to his burning, save for that ONE PATCH JUST KILLS ME. And I thought all the porn was over but then YAY another handjob at the end!

I ADORE THIS FIC!! It's hot, funny, adorable, and amazing! :D

[shutterbitch.livejournal.com]

*cues running commentary*:

I still don’t know if I’m comfortable with jiggling all the way down to the water.

ROFLMFAO Man, why am I not scoping out nude beaches in LA right now???

Looks better than that fat guy over by the lifeguard stand.

Oh god. There's always one, isn't there?

And look, he manscaped just for the occasion. At least he didn’t yell “Release the Kraken!” upon unzipping. That has been known to happen.

OMG I WOULD PAY TO HEAR CHRIS SAY THAT!!!

disturbingly agile in the water considering his wounded-buffalo-like grace on land. Aw, poor Chris. Typecast as the klutz.

He fits his hands around Chris’ ass, smiling anew at the fact that he can’t quite fit it all in his hands and pulls Chris hard against his body.

Hnnnnngh.

Mm, yeah, you like that, huh? Want everyone to see how good you do me? I wanna seeeeeee!

He’s incredibly expressive when he’s getting fucked, all wide eyes and mobile mouth. Plus, he does love an audience.
I'll be your audience, baby.

Shit, Zach, never thought you’d let me do this, get us off in public. Been a fantasy of mine for-fucking-ever. Fantasy of mine to be in that public, watching. HOLY FUCK THIS FIC IS HOT.

Omg, Chris's poor, sunburnt dick! That's it, Zach. Rub that aloe in. Ruuuuubbbb it iiiiiinnnnnn.

[babykid528.livejournal.com]

So, I'm watching the extended edition of the Two Towers tonight. I never pay that movie enough attention. But I wanted Karl and I wanted LotR and I wanted lots of gay subtext. And the gay is in all the LotR movies, but anyway, that's not the point. The point is, I have been liveblogging on tumblr while I watched and I was going on and on and ON about how much I love the fucking scene where Aragorn's all boss and NOT dead and he shows back up at Helm's Deep and throws open those big double doors all "BITCHES, I HAVE ARRIVED!" It is actually my favorite scene in the entire movie! So, I'm like counting down the scenes until I get to it and I'm looking around online and I see you posted fic and I'm all ooooo intrgiuing and the next thing I know I fucking read the entire fic and I'm busy trying to piece my goopy lust melted brain back together when I realize I MISSED THE DOOR SCENE! LOL! WTF?! So, you are so good at what you do here with these Pinto boys and the writing and the sex and the hilariousness that I forgot all about Aragorn and the door after hours of rambling about it! XD

In other words: You are amazing! <3333

[snoewhite.livejournal.com]

Honest to God laughed out loud at "release the Kracken". My roomie thinks I've lost my mind. There were so many lols in this.
Loved it. *right click save*

[littlebirdtold.livejournal.com]

Loved this. ♥ Also, your summary is made of win. XD

[beederiffic.livejournal.com]

Chris Pine's penis will now and forever more be known to me as The Kraken.

I knew you'd rock the shit out of this prompt, but HOLY FUCKING GAY JERK-OFF ON A SANDBAR. So hot. So relentlessly hot and funny and cute. Zach's such a delicate flower sometimes.

Stupidly, I think the thing I enjoyed most was Chris in the fughat, and I kind of hope someone will photoshop that into being at some point.

Thank you, thank you, kowtowing now, thank you. Here's a macro for you to enjoy while you eat all the food on the entire island:

[orphica.livejournal.com]

How is a sunburn on a dick so sexy? Amazing.
Poor Chris.

And Kraken makes me crack up. Bad pun is bad. :)

[coeurdesoleil.livejournal.com]

Hnnngh I loved this so much!
Public sex is like my favourite kink and this was hot like burning!

...and I feel bad but I couldn't help but giggling like crazy over Chris' sunburnt dick :DD

[leighblack.livejournal.com]

I actually snorted out loud at roasted wiener. ;)

This is super hot and awesome!

[dineru.livejournal.com]

Hee, this was hilarious and adorable. Also hot! And your banter is amazing.

[1lostone.livejournal.com]

I... okay. yeah so between Kracken and Roasted Weiners, I have decided bb that you are a level of genius so profound that I really really REALLY absolutely adore.

[orianaborealis.livejournal.com]

I'm not gonna quote the Kraken lines back at you, because everyone else has already, but SERIOUSLY OH MY GODDDDD. <3

They’d put on a good show, no doubt about that.
Um, yes. Cannae get a towel?

He’s a man of many contrasts, is Chris – a born and bred California boy with a bookish streak a mile wide; a sweetheart who can come out with the most dickish statements and apologize half an hour later; a movie star who loathes the paparazzi and fantasizes about getting fucked in front of an adoring crowd. Zach wouldn’t love him half as much if he were any less complex.

So, so true.

[insert basically the whole rest of the fic here]

Fucking loved this, thank you so much :DDDDD

[nudeonthemoon.livejournal.com]

ahhhh... i just love this so much!! so hot and poor chrissy!! i have only been sunburned once but it was the worst thing ever. EVER. wish ZQ had been there to give me a consolation hand job though XD

[eefreeboo.livejournal.com]

This was so funny and sweet and hot. I sometimes forget why I love pinto fic so much and then you go and remind me :D Far too many great parts to quote and they've all been done anyway - it's just all brilliant!

[therumjournals.livejournal.com]

Penis in the Sun = amazing. i love your brain.

"Even the cranny?” - LOL

At least he didn’t yell “Release the Kraken!” upon unzipping. That has been known to happen. - i'm sorry, but this warrants an entire fic to itself. And why does “Ah, the Kraken wakes.” totally sound like something zach would say?

I love that somehow you managed realistic and yet hot ocean sex. You are a hero.

[feanna.livejournal.com]

Finally a realistic nude beach in porn!

Also: SUNBURN, LOL!

[acacia-123.livejournal.com]

this was great
funny and hot
awesome

[plumeshroud.livejournal.com]

I *love* this. It's simultaneously hilarious (wittily so) and hot. Also, your characterization is my absolute favorite in this fandom. :3

[rae1013.livejournal.com]

“I bet there’s at least one person watching us right now. Wondering what we’re up to. C’mon, baby, give ‘em a show.”

With that, Chris makes a choked sound and goes rigid in Zach’s embrace, and Zach feels a brief burst of warmth in the water near his belly. He nuzzles into Chris’ neck, holding him close through the cool down.

I am hard-core for first-time fics but the way you write their est.relationship is so fucking REAL that I can't complain one bit. Their banter, and closeness, their level of comfortable affection and the fact that they still lust after each other like a new couple is so seriously hot and sweet that I'm left a drooling mess after reading this. Seriously.

And then there's the fact that I nearly choked on my laughter more than once throughout reading this that makes this fic stunningly perfect. Long comment is long. Just...I love this. For realsies, babe. =)

[takhallus.livejournal.com]

Release the Kraken lol

[creampuffsteph.livejournal.com]

just...go ahead and take everyone's previously posted comments and times by 10. bc holy shit damn i am in love with every little nook and cranny in this fic.
seriously just...oh my god. hearts in my eyes for you.

[mount-seleya.livejournal.com]

What a wonderful read. Funny, sweet, and deliciously hot. "Release the Kraken!" had me laughing out loud, not only because it brought to mind cracky tentacle porn, but because it's exactly the kind of bizarre little in-joke you'd expect a couple to develop. And, whoa, did the ending ever make me wince on Chris's behalf, but I love that you were bold enough to include it, because it was completely realistic and and seeing Zach care for Chris made me go all gooey inside.

[sorion.livejournal.com]

Such a precious, horny little fucker.

*snickers happily*
The exhibitionist tendencies made me happily do other things... :3

Very hot, lots of fun! :D

[sofiawonderland.livejournal.com]

I was trying to quote back my favorite parts but OMG THERE WERE TOO MANY, so let me just say: The Kraken. That's how I'll call Chris Pine's junk from now on, and nothing can stop me.

This was hot as hell. Good job.

[sonjamillicent.livejournal.com]

SO FUNNY AND HOT OMG LET THAT KRAKEN FREE IN THE SEEEEEAAAA

[illariy.livejournal.com]

"Release the Kraken!" Ahaha! :D

This was fun to read. Though I'm surprised at the ending; I thought a sunburnt cock would rather hurt if the skin was stretched during an erection... though maybe Chris is slightly masochistic, hehe. *g*

[norfolkdumpling.livejournal.com]

This is totally hilarious, and OMGHOT like Chris' poor sunburned cock! Their banter is so lovely, and oh good lord, the public sexin...*fans self*

“Ah, the Kraken wakes.”

*snerk*

[inu-spockya.livejournal.com]

release the kraken!!!
pfffft!! I'm gonna hear that in my dreams forever, yo. heh heh heh...

hee hee hee! I can so relate to this one; not only got a sunburn there once but was drunk so I passed out and got the back side of me roasted too!

ever try sleeping in mid-air? poor Chris!! I can just see Zach's sly grin over this, too... <3<3<3
so. much. love.
that is all

[secretsolitaire.livejournal.com]

Bwahaha, this is hilarious. Also hot. :-)